It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
