i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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