my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
