Tell her she can't have a vagina
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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