last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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