and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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