I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
