being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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