the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
