rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
