I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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