Moan for me like Helen Keller
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
