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Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
