When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
