he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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