i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
