Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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