would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
