What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
