every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
