Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
God, you're like boner-b-gone
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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