yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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