I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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