I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
