Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
