I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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