I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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