people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
