Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
