we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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