just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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