): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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