I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
