If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
