I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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