C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
