who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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