You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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