Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
