i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
