great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
