Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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