If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
