I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
