I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
