Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
