my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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