Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The best revenge is premature balding
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
