he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
