Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
