Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
