I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
