You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
