Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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