I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
