I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
