im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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