I'm pants shitting drunk right now
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
