Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I smell stomach acid.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
